Wednesday Writings

Today, I was pondering how I could keep my posts a bit more consistent. Obviously if you look at the dates on my posts, they have been everything but consistent. Another thing I have been thinking about, is how I can get more people to read the fiction that I write. Most of my fiction pieces are short stories or poems. I decided a great way would be my blog. Now, every Wednesday or every so often on a Wednesday, I will post a "Wednesday Writing", something that I have written by myself.

"Night Lights" 

 The best thing about the night is the dark. Not because you can sleep, not because things are not obvious. No. It is because of the light that can show. The light that cannot be seen during the day. Oh how I wish you could see those lights the way I see them; I know you would love them. 

The star excite me. The city's night lights excite me, too. It is as though they stand for all that is hopeful. Those lights stand for all that is happy. Each little light can be seen from so far away, simple proving their strength. These lights excite me. Sending a flash flood of emotion through me. The aftermath of these emotions leave me feeling inspired. I can look at the stars and smile as though they know all of my secrets. Oh how I wish you could see these lights the way I see them.

This picture makes me feel so many things. I cannot get enough. 

I hope you enjoyed this one. I had written it a while a go after I got lost and ended up on the other side of town by mistake. I was in the valley, and I could see all of the lights on the hill above me. It was breath taking. I thought of how badly I wished a few people who are dear to me could have been there to enjoy those lights with me. It was just one of those moments when the simple things take your breath away; we need more of those things in life.

Always,
Just a girl trying to take on the world.

Washing Over Me

"I can feel the love of God washing over me."

This is a line from one of my favorite worship songs that we sing at my church. This is also the title of today's post. Lately, I have been in a rut. It started when I was told that I was far behind on my math credits for my degree and that I would spend the next few quarters getting caught up on those classes, that is now my sole focus. It has definitely put a damper on things. I have been left with a lot of time to think. I realize how much money has been spent in an area that could have been avoided spending, and it made me reconsider a lot of things I had planned for myself. I got depressed. I also started thinking about happiness and when being unhappy became a new trend for me. Part of it was caused by getting my heart broken by a boy. That is understandable, losing your first love is not easy to recover from. The other part was caused simply by not knowing what my future would bring. Heck, I don't even know what I will be doing next week, how am I supposed to know what I will be doing next year? So I got stuck in a rut of doing the same thing everyday. Brace yourself, I am about to sound like the absolute laziest person ever. I wake up around nine or ten in the morning. I watch a bit of television, then I finally go shower. From there I will eat a little bit of food, usually just leftovers or a sandwich. Then I do some studying, go to my class, and come home. I do my chores and then spend my night with my parents. That is an average day. BORING. So I know one thing, I do not want to be doing that a year from now.

Here's the thing about being in a rut and/or depression; it feels hopeless. Hope is not screaming in front of you, and you do not really have the energy to do anything to find it. It is not easy. Often you just want to sleep. Really, in short you take a lot of things for granted. You forget that being able to read this blog on your computer/iPod/Smart Phone/tablet is a privilege that not everyone in the world gets. You forget that being able to drive is a privilege as well. You forget that having three steady meals a day is a privilege. You forget that having shelter is a privilege. You forget that not being in fear of your life everyday is a privilege. Being depressed makes you forget these things. You forget these things because you do not count your blessings and you believe the world must serve you. That has been my experience with depression. Now everyday before bed, I right on a note card a list of things that made me happy from that day. Literally it can be as simple as "I drank a red bull today" or "I cuddled on the couch with my dog while watching 50 First Dates," or it can be something awesome like "I got a 95% on my huge exam today!!!" or for me this was big (I'm from Seattle, therefore I am a 12th man) "The Seahawks won the super bowl!" Writing these positive things on a card helps me remember the little things, and keep searching for that hope that is just around the corner. It helps me remember that God's love is always washing over me.

Today, I woke up with a smile on my face, I do not know why. I woke up to my mom knocking on my door because I slept through my alarm, but I was smiling. Since the morning I got out of bed, I have felt like something good could happen. I just kept smiling. When the demons and the sad memories threatened to come out of the shadows, I told them no. Today, I can feel the love of God washing over me. I got a call from a good friend of mine who is in his first quarter at a university, he has changed his major five times, finally he has declared his major and is sticking with it. He now is thinking of a degree similar to one I have considered. He told me all about the new opportunity that has come his way. He opened my eyes to something new for me as well. He got me thinking of going to the university he is going to. It may seem like a stretch to some people, but I feel as though everyday God pushes me further in the right direction. At one point, I was reconsidering everything that I had planned, and that is okay, God wants me to be sure that it is right for me. I thank him for that. Everyday, God pushes me closer to where I need to be, though it is not always obvious. God works in mysterious ways, and honestly, it excites me. As God's plan for my life falls into place, I feel God's love washing over me more and more. Hope is just around the corner.

God's got my back. Because of that, I feel his love.

Doing.

Ever feel like you are the only person in your situation? You are the only person saying no to drinking and drugs and partying? Or you're the only person not going to the big 4-year university or even going to school? Or you feel like you are the only person chasing your dreams and moving mountains to get to where you want to be? To sum it up, in many ways you feel alone. Not that you are actually alone, but you feel that way. Guess what, in some ways, being the only one is totally okay.

Bam. That picture, is my inspiration tonight. I feel like I should go paint that on a wall for something because it is more than true. That quote is what made me think about a lot of things that I have been going through and what life has brought many people. 

Six months ago, I had it all planned out. Finish my Associates degree, then transfer to the university to become a teacher, move back to my home town and become a teacher. Hopefully along the way I would be able to do some traveling, and meet Mr. Right. Oh and eight months ago, I was on top of the world, I met my first love and I couldn't ask for anything more, everything was going my way. Well, with heartache, a couple of reality checks, and a long roller coaster ride, a lot has changed. Now, I will be completely honest, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING. 

I have no idea what my future holds, except that I am going to strive for happiness. I have no idea what my career could be, maybe I will be a teacher, or maybe I'll be a cosmetologist (those are the two things I am thinking of the most right now.) I have no idea what school I will be attending, I just know that when I do make that decision, it will be the right one. I have no idea who I will marry, I just know that I will be proud to have a son just like him. I have no idea what the rest of the year will bring, I barely even know what I will be doing next week. 

Because I don't know makes me feel like I am alone. I am not doing what everyone else is doing. I know of so many people my age who have it all planned out, they know exactly what they want to do for a career and they have no doubts, and that is awesome. But I have to remind myself that it's okay to not know, and to not be doing what everyone else is doing. As long as I am doing something, I'm good. 

So what am I doing? I am going to school, I'm almost finished with my Associates degree. I am writing. I write for at least an hour a day (I'm working on a young adult novel.) I am going to church and striving to become the strong Christian woman that I want to be. I believe you can always become stronger in your faith and grow closer to God. I am working on starting a small business for a little cash flow. I am hoping to work at a camp this summer. So as of right now, I may sound like I am just being an average girl. It's not like I am researching the cure for cancer, or building some new kind of computer software that can work and nearly light speed. No, none of that. But I am working to become the best I can be. Most of all, I am working with my words. I am writing. Writing is something I have always wanted to do. I have always prayed that one day my words would change someone's life. Perhaps give them hope, give them opportunity, give them peace, give them joy, or just give them inspiration. If I can inspire someone to do something amazing, then I will feel as though my job has been done. So I am doing something, and that is what matters. Each small step is getting me closer to where I want to be. Each step will help me know. 

I am writing these words in hope that perhaps someone feels alone and needs to know that they are not. Perhaps they are exactly where I am at, they once knew exactly what they were going to do, but now they have no clue. Perhaps they just need to know they aren't alone. Perhaps they just need to know that they do not have to follow the crowd and do what everyone else does. 

I will leave you with these final words for the day: The person who stands out from the crowd is the one who is remembered. 

Always, 

Just A Girl Trying To Take On The World 

In The End.

Ever been in that place where you just want to fast forward and know that it will be okay, just to see that your dreams really will come true? For me, I have this idea that if I could fast forward to see my wedding day, to see that I get married and maybe I will see who I marry and maybe I will already know him, then I fast forward and see if I have kiddos, I also will see what I am doing for a career. That is my fast forward. I guess it is a lot like how little girls dream of their wedding day, the dress, the flowers, their makeup, their hair, the vows, and the type of cake. They dream of every single detail. In my fast forward, I would see all of these details. Sometimes I think that I could be at peace if I just knew what that fast forward consisted of. It would be nice, wouldn't it?

This makes me think of fate and destiny, and ultimately God's plan. I believe that if we are meant to be somewhere, we are going to get there, no matter what the path is. Honestly, there are an infinite amount of ways you could take to get somewhere. Some of those ways are easier than others, and some are faster than others, but in the end we get there, right? But it doesn't matter that we get there. What matters is that we grow along the way. Without that growth, we won't be strong enough to handle where we will end up. The most important part is to have faith in God's timing and God's plan. Wherever God takes you on this path, have faith, and remember that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Better yet, remember "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," 1 Philippians 4:13. Remember this on the journey when things are making it seem impossible. Audrey Hepburn said "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says I'm possible!"

This brings up the age old thought of "If You Could Write a Letter To Yourself at Age 16 What Would It Say?" If I could, I think I would, just because then I would be able to stay clear of an obnoxious amount of pain. Or at least I would hope so. In this letter, I would give myself advice on self esteem, boys, friends, school and family relationships. I would tell myself that I am not a super model, I am not tall enough, but I am beautiful. I am not getting all of the attention from the boys, but it's probably a good thing, because the girls who do get the attention from them it isn't for the right reasons. I would tell myself that when my friends leave me, that I don't need a large group of people to be with but instead a small group of friends who I can feel great with because they truly know me. I would tell myself that school is not a joke. Don't sit on your butt doing nothing for so long that you have to scramble to get things together. Don't be afraid to take a chance either, and don't live life just for school, don't forget to have fun. I would tell myself not to let my parents bring me down as much. But most of all, to actually listen to my parents and take their advice. I would tell myself these things. And I wish that I could have been able to tell myself these things. 

Then I think, that's kind of like time travel, I could totally mess with the future if I did that. I know that right now, things aren't perfect, they aren't as bad as they've been before, and they aren't as great as they've been before, but I like where I am. If I could've told myself those things, I would have changed where I am today. Or I would have learned the lessons I am learning today in a much more difficult way. So maybe, in the end, it's a good thing I didn't get that letter when I was 16. In the end, everything will turn out just right. It will be the way it's supposed to be. In the end, you are right where you are supposed to be. The should have been's and the could have been's are just thoughts that will make us filled with anxiety. In the end, I am thankful for where I have been. I don't live with regrets because at one time, it was exactly what I wanted. I am thankful for the people who have torn me down, and I am thankful for the people who have built me up. Without any of the adventures I have experienced on this journey, I would not be who I am. And in the end, I like who I am. 

Time For A Change.

January is the start of a new year. With the new year comes new opportunities. New chances and a bit of hope. Also, January is the time we make "New Year's Resolutions." To me, the word "resolution" is connected to not keeping them. So I have always wrote a list of goals. But this year, there is one that doesn't fit under the category of goals as well, so I will call it a resolution. After all, the word "resolution" is related to the word "resolve." In the context of New Year's resolutions, you are to resolve from something from the previous year. My resolution this year is to not date for one year. January 1st, until December 31st it will be just me, single and loving life. After a history of bad dates, boyfriends, broken promises and heartache, I have decided to take a year off. No more boys. You know it's bad when you think of being in a relationship and immediately a part of you screams "NO! Don't do it! It's a trap. You'll just get hurt again!!!" Because of that, I am taking a year off.
I am not here to bad mouth any of the guys I've ever dated. I would never want to hurt them. Yes, the relationship ending hurt, but that is expected. I don't want them to seem like horrible people. People make mistakes, people hurt people, but it allows us to grow. So this is my chance to grow. I can be able to grow into the person that would be able to be in a relationship and be the person another person would want to be with long term.
Also, this is a decision I made myself. It is coming from me. I have realized that I have lost a lot of mmy motivation. My self esteem had been chiseled away, and my confidence seems to be on vacation. So this year, I am taking something that brought me a lot of temporary happiness and a bit of pain out of my life. This is my chance to truly find myself. This is my chance to grow in my relationship with God. To truly live like one of my favorite verses, "She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future," Proverbs 31:25. This is my chance to do fun things without having to worry about a plus one. This is my chance to live without having to worry what others may think. This is my chance to live without being defined by a man. This is my chance to be the only person who defines myself. Some may say that this closes a lot of doors and opportunities for me. I say otherwise. I believe this opens a lot of doors. I won't have to worry about that other person. FREEDOM.
It's going to be great. I'm not bothered by my decision to be "off the market." I am scared, but it's the type of scared that is exciting. This will be fun.

I have this on one of my pinterest borads, and it cannot be anymore true!

Always,
-Just a girl, trying to take on the world.