Washing Over Me

"I can feel the love of God washing over me."

This is a line from one of my favorite worship songs that we sing at my church. This is also the title of today's post. Lately, I have been in a rut. It started when I was told that I was far behind on my math credits for my degree and that I would spend the next few quarters getting caught up on those classes, that is now my sole focus. It has definitely put a damper on things. I have been left with a lot of time to think. I realize how much money has been spent in an area that could have been avoided spending, and it made me reconsider a lot of things I had planned for myself. I got depressed. I also started thinking about happiness and when being unhappy became a new trend for me. Part of it was caused by getting my heart broken by a boy. That is understandable, losing your first love is not easy to recover from. The other part was caused simply by not knowing what my future would bring. Heck, I don't even know what I will be doing next week, how am I supposed to know what I will be doing next year? So I got stuck in a rut of doing the same thing everyday. Brace yourself, I am about to sound like the absolute laziest person ever. I wake up around nine or ten in the morning. I watch a bit of television, then I finally go shower. From there I will eat a little bit of food, usually just leftovers or a sandwich. Then I do some studying, go to my class, and come home. I do my chores and then spend my night with my parents. That is an average day. BORING. So I know one thing, I do not want to be doing that a year from now.

Here's the thing about being in a rut and/or depression; it feels hopeless. Hope is not screaming in front of you, and you do not really have the energy to do anything to find it. It is not easy. Often you just want to sleep. Really, in short you take a lot of things for granted. You forget that being able to read this blog on your computer/iPod/Smart Phone/tablet is a privilege that not everyone in the world gets. You forget that being able to drive is a privilege as well. You forget that having three steady meals a day is a privilege. You forget that having shelter is a privilege. You forget that not being in fear of your life everyday is a privilege. Being depressed makes you forget these things. You forget these things because you do not count your blessings and you believe the world must serve you. That has been my experience with depression. Now everyday before bed, I right on a note card a list of things that made me happy from that day. Literally it can be as simple as "I drank a red bull today" or "I cuddled on the couch with my dog while watching 50 First Dates," or it can be something awesome like "I got a 95% on my huge exam today!!!" or for me this was big (I'm from Seattle, therefore I am a 12th man) "The Seahawks won the super bowl!" Writing these positive things on a card helps me remember the little things, and keep searching for that hope that is just around the corner. It helps me remember that God's love is always washing over me.

Today, I woke up with a smile on my face, I do not know why. I woke up to my mom knocking on my door because I slept through my alarm, but I was smiling. Since the morning I got out of bed, I have felt like something good could happen. I just kept smiling. When the demons and the sad memories threatened to come out of the shadows, I told them no. Today, I can feel the love of God washing over me. I got a call from a good friend of mine who is in his first quarter at a university, he has changed his major five times, finally he has declared his major and is sticking with it. He now is thinking of a degree similar to one I have considered. He told me all about the new opportunity that has come his way. He opened my eyes to something new for me as well. He got me thinking of going to the university he is going to. It may seem like a stretch to some people, but I feel as though everyday God pushes me further in the right direction. At one point, I was reconsidering everything that I had planned, and that is okay, God wants me to be sure that it is right for me. I thank him for that. Everyday, God pushes me closer to where I need to be, though it is not always obvious. God works in mysterious ways, and honestly, it excites me. As God's plan for my life falls into place, I feel God's love washing over me more and more. Hope is just around the corner.

God's got my back. Because of that, I feel his love.